“That couple always seem the most in love, the most connected, as opposed to the other couples and families in my suburban town. They were living this lifestyle and creating fantasy together.” – Palagia to Vice
“People are by nature sociable and sex is obviously high on the agenda,” says Steve, Kiwi Swingers website owner. “Many people think that swingers will just have sex with anyone, but that isn’t the case. The vast majority are very specific in what they’re looking for, age and looks may not be important at all in some cases, or even for those where that is the case, they would still need to connect.”
For many swingers, the social aspect is an important part of the scene. “You could say that they do it for the same reason that people do anything,” Steve continues, “because they enjoy it. For those in partnerships, it’s different in that they both have the same outlook and both enjoy the variety that the swinging lifestyle offers.”
While researching an article for Australian GQ magazine, writer and comedian David Smiedt discovered those leading such lifestyles to represent mainstream society, mainly aged 30-45, often from perfectly respectable families, and leading perfectly respectable lives. (As an aside, the widely held notion of widespread Greek and Roman orgies have been debunked, such ‘rumours’ are thought to stem from early Christians promoting their way of life as a holy, wholesome alternative to debauched ancient gods. According to historian Dr Alastair Blanshard: “I’m sorry if there are any suburban swingers out there, but whatever you’re doing, it’s certainly not classical.”)
Steve’s experiences back this up. He tells me swingers are spread across all social and cultural backgrounds, mostly aged 30-50, but with “lots all over the age spectrum”. He’s noticed that while the lifestyle has always been popular, the general perception of it has changed: “In days gone by we used to see lots of sensationalised press articles about swingers, nowadays it’s much more run of the mill.” He compares it with the reluctance of homosexuals to come out in years past. “Now, it’s not so much of a taboo subject.”
A US study by Edward Fernandes of North Carolina’s Barton found that 72% of the time, it is the husbands who first suggest swinging, but once underway, the women are more than happy to participate — and often then viewed as more desirable by their man.
“I’ve heard it said many times that swingers feel that swinging strengthens their relationship,” says Steve. “A lot of that would be put down to mutual trust and the enjoyment of seeing their partner having fun — plus of course sharing pleasant encounters with each other. The non-swinger lifestyle is usually referred to as the ‘vanilla lifestyle’, I think that speaks volumes about it.”
Steve doesn’t believe swinging ever destroys relationships, and if it did “it would usually be because they’re on rocky ground to start with”.
“What I learned from this wasn’t about shame, but it clarified something else,” a female swinger under the name of Palagia tells Vice. “That couple always seem the most in love, the most connected, as opposed to the other couples and families in my suburban town. They were living this lifestyle and creating fantasy together.”
“Our best sex is with each other,” a New Jersey swinger named Sarah tells ABC. “We have pretty amazing sex at home when we’re alone. When we come here it’s a physical attraction, not an emotional attraction.”
“Sex is more of a primal, more of an urge-based,” adds her partner, Michael. “The kissing is more intimate so we like to keep that for us.”
Perhaps perversely, participants believe swinging prevents cheating — a study by Washington University found numbers of unfaithful wives and husbands had risen 30% and 20% respectively over the past two decades. A number of national studies have shown as many as 60% of US marriages involve cheating.
Each year Denmark holds International Swingers Week — the country is home to around 90,000 swingers, and according to Ashley Lister, author of Swingers: Female Confidential, there are as many as one million swingers in the UK. “The taboos around sexual equality in the bedroom are finally being broken down and if we continue in the current vein they will ultimately be vanquished,” he tells the Daily Record, “It used to be that a woman with a libido was considered to be dangerous or insane and there has long been the double standards between male and female promiscuity.” Lister learned that many don’t like the term swinging because of the negative connotations, “but really what they’re doing is bringing other people into their sex life”.
Steve says most swingers will chat on Skype to ensure people are genuine. “After that, it’s phone calls to see if they get on, if everything checks out, and then it’s on to the meet. Safety is paramount.”
Larisa Fuchs, longtime friend of Palagia and founder of LGBT-friendly sex party House of Scorpio, has observed swinging, along with the likes of kink, polysexuality and polyamory, to have “come out of the shadows more and more in the last 20 years”, but even more so in the last few. The internet has most certainly helped that: “It’s so much easier to organise, promote, find your people… there are now more sex parties than ever.”
Words: Jamie Christian Desplaces
