Populations and their politics have never been so polarised. But is it possible to have a romantic relationship with someone with opposing views?
A 2019 UK study by dating website eharmony estimated that Brexit had caused the disintegration of 1.6 million relationships in the three years since, with a further 2.7 million breaking down as a result of non-Brexit political beefs. (16% of those polled also revealed the vote to leave the EU had impacted relationships with friends, family, and workmates.)
In the US it was a similar story with the election of Trump.
A 2017 Daily News story titled ‘Trump presidency is destroying marriages across the country’ revealed a study by Wakefield Research had found 29% of Americans were experiencing tension because of their partner’s political beliefs. A further 22% said they knew a couple whose marriage or relationship had suffered since the election of Trump.
“I’ve been doing this for around 35 years, and I have never seen anything like it,” New York divorce lawyer Louis Brenner commented to the Daily News regarding her increased workload thanks to the recently elected president. “It’s kind of amazing… unprecedented.”
Thanks in part to the MMP system (and perhaps some good old Kiwi common sense?), we’ve generally avoided such populist-fuelled polarisation, but issues such as misinformation, the vaccine rollout, and 5G and covid conspiracy theories have reportedly ruptured relationships here.
But can such couples ever overcome contradictory ideologies?
“The ideal way to talk about political differences as a couple involves both partners sitting down and talking about the dreams and goals you have in common,” Dana McNeil, Ph.D., a San Diego-based licensed marriage family therapist, tells Today. “This creates an atmosphere of finding similarities and shared values. The goal is to find ways that you will navigate the major issues without tearing down the other person’s character.”
“The ideal way to talk about political differences as a couple involves both partners sitting down and talking about the dreams and goals you have in common.”
It’s also vital to remember that, unless your significant other is, say, a flag-waving racist, it’s likely they’re ticking their particular box in the polling booth because they genuinely believe it will make the world a better place. Empathy and the willingness to listen are essential (as is setting boundaries about when and how often hot topics should be discussed).
Relationship expert Candace R. Cooper says that empathy allows us to understand and embody our partner’s values without shifting our own. “It allows you to see the full picture without assuming or creating your own judgment of what your partner’s beliefs are,” she tells People.
Experts also advise that couples should educate themselves about each other’s political philosophies.
“It’s always good to broaden your horizons,” says relationship counsellor Ruchi Ruuh to Vice. “You’ll have greater appreciation for your partner and healthier discussions around the topic.”
Interestingly, political differences might not even matter as much as we think they do anyway. In his tome A Book About Love, John Lehrer writes about how a study of 23,000 married couples found that “the similarity of spouses accounted for less than 0.5 percent of spousal satisfaction”. That is to say, what we think we want in a life partner – someone who’s just like us – and what we want in real life are “fundamentally mismatched”.
According to research published in the American Journal of Science, we possibly also overestimate the influence our political leanings have on our morals. The study authors note how people overlook things done by politicians on their own side that they’d consider “morally over the line on the other side” (think evangelicals overwhelming support for the adulterous, woman’s genital-grabbing Trump), able to “switch our moral compass depending on how it fits with what we believe politically”.
Other US studies have found women to underestimate the likelihood of their spouses voting Democrat and for men to overestimate the likelihood of their wives to vote Republican. A New Zealand study found the common notion that couples become more alike as they get older may not hold water either, it might simply be a case that we just become more accepting.
And acceptance is an ultimate key to any happy relationship, whether it be their strange dress sense, their OCD habits, or which political party they endorse every few years.
“The bond you have with someone has to supersede political views if it’s ever going to work,” dating psychologist Madeleine Mason Roantree tells the Independent. “There has to be a level of respect there too, towards the other person, and an acceptance that they might have different views.”
