Men are often labelled as lacking in the language skills to properly express their emotions. But it doesn’t just boil down to biological sex.
Research proves that there is nothing about the makeup of the male grey matter that makes it any less emotionally capable than the female one, with one study, published in Nature, concluding that our brains are “clearly, consistently and unmistakably more similar than they are different”.
So, what’s going on?
“Men and women possess the same spectrum of emotions, yet societal expectations dictate vastly different approaches to emotional expression,” says Simone-Ellen Keller, personal transformation strategist and founder of Genius You, a programme that “teaches you to harness your mind by deepening your understanding of how you operate”. Boys, she adds, are taught to suppress vulnerability from a young age and uphold an image of stoicism, “reinforcing the notion that real men don’t show emotions”.
Speaking to the Washington Post, Fredric Rabinowitz, chair of the psychology department at the University of Redlands in California, goes so far as to state: “We don’t train boys to have vocabulary around their emotions beyond anger.” This, he continues, means more profound emotions, rather than embraced and expressed, become buried and separated leading to “unprocessed trauma” further down the line. Mental health issues aside, it can also have negative physiological consequences, with studies showing links to cognitive decline and cardiovascular disease. But it’s not just men who are propagating the issue, according to psychologist Paulette Kouffman Sherman, many women still harbour the belief that blokes should be “strong, silent, fixer” types, and that to be too emotionally available is simply not attractive.
“Vulnerability is not synonymous with weakness; it’s a sign of strength and courage,” insists Simone-Ellen. “By acknowledging and accepting their emotional landscape, men can cultivate deeper connections with themselves and those around them.” But changing – and challenging – such a widely accepted emotional landscape is difficult. “Men must recognise that seeking help is not a sign of failure but a proactive step towards self-improvement. Whether through therapy, coaching, or support groups, there are myriad resources available to facilitate this journey of self-discovery.”
“By embracing emotional growth, men can unlock their full potential and lead more fulfilling lives.”
Experts argue that just as children are taught at a young age about colours and their varying shades, so they should also be taught about their emotions and the varying shades of those, too. One such strategy is RULER from the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, which emphasises the importance of understanding and effectively managing emotions in order to cultivate positive relationships, make sound decisions, and thrive personally and professionally. It’s aimed at all ages, for men and women:
- Recognise your own emotions and the emotions of others while developing an awareness of their wide range.
- Understand the causes and consequences of those recognised emotions, while noting their complexity and nuances.
- Label emotions by naming and expressing feelings using a diverse emotional vocabulary. This step helps articulate emotions more effectively, facilitating communication and understanding in interpersonal interactions.
- Express emotions to enable finding healthy and appropriate ways to communicate your feelings to others. This can include verbal and nonverbal communication such as sharing thoughts and feelings openly, using body language, and through creative outlets like art or writing.
- Regulate emotions in order to manage and control your responses to different situations. This includes strategies for coping with stress, calming yourself when feeling overwhelmed, and making constructive choices in response to emotions.
Simone-Ellen insists we must “shatter the silence surrounding men’s mental health” in order to create “a more compassionate, inclusive future”. “By embracing emotional growth, men can unlock their full potential and lead more fulfilling lives,” she says. “Let’s start the conversation and break down the barriers that have held us back for far too long.”
